redefiningme's Blog

LOL.  Bird is sending me a text while i am calling her.  I just finished doing my hair, well to a certain point.  Ima finish most of the rest of it at work tomorrow, and put it in an upsweep when i get home. lol.  We chat for a minute about absolutely nothing.  The phone keeps cutting off, i guess due to the Nor'Easter and a newly pending storm.   So, on the last time i call her back, she picks up and says, "I Love You, too."  I was just calling to say, I Love You.  

Head feels kind of heavy.  All this damned extention hair.  LOL.  At least it's going in the direction i want it to for the most part.  Only i can see them imperfections.  And that ain't bad cause to the naked eye, looks like i paid big bucks to get this 'do'....

In this world there’s much confusion
And I’ve tasted city life and it’s not for me
Now I do dream of distant places
Where I don’t know now but its destiny

If it’s the rich life I don’t want it
Happiness ain’t always material things

I want Destiny
It’s the place for me yeah yeah yeah
Give me the simple life
I’m getting away from here
Let me be me, come on let me feel free

Now I’m a man that’s for all seasons
And what the city offers me ain’t naturally
I look to greet the stars
But there’s no stars to see
I’m gonna search this world until I find my destiny

If it’s the rich life I don’t want it
Happiness ain’t always material things

I want destiny
It’s the place for me yeah, yeah, yeah
Give me the simple life
I’m getting away from here
Let me be me, come on let me feel free, let me be me

I wanna get far from here
Should I up and fly away so fancy free, yeah
Nobody can change my mind
The words of destiny are calling me
Wild time

I want destiny
It’s the place for me yeah
Ah destiny
You and me, do it my way
So fancy free
Ah destiny
You and me
So fancy free
Destiny
Ah destiny

Like, im evolving.  This happens from time to time in my life.  I get to a point, and part of me changes.  I think i get to this certain point and i can't possibly get any higher, and yet i do.  My soul is doing something.  I've been tingly in my soul for a minute. 

~~~~

When i met Bird, it was at a time in which we both needed each other.  We were both leaving the madness of our childhoods and out on our own.  We had nothing, no one besides each other for a long time.  Sure we had friends, but when you saw her, you saw me and vice versa. 

When we first met, we knew each other.  In most of my relationships at that time, i was the dominant party.  With Bird, we were equal.  Never had we argued with each other.  I have had an argument with virtually everyone i have ever known, who hasn't.  But with Bird, how could i.  At all times we knew how each other felt.  Distance didn't matter.  If something wasn't right with one of us, the other one was calling to see what was going on.  I have never had that with any other person on the face of the Earth.  I never thought i could fully trust any person, but I TRUST BIRD, with my life.  I haven't really trusted anyone else for the most part since i met her, with the exception of 2 people.  They were mistakes, but never would Bird be. 

I want her to have the family life she wants.  The husband and kids and all that bull.  Bird has a lot of love in her, more than she knows at time. 

We balance each other.  Lord, i love her.  When i met her Lord that day March 13, my love for her was second to my love for you.  I just couldn't live without her.  I could have a husband that i loved deeply, and if she passed on first, i would die of a broken heart soon after.  I would do anything for her. 

When i first saw her i said to her, "I know you."  She didn't believe we had ever met, but that she felt close to me right off.  I told her we had met, but in another lifetime.  I told her i dreamed of someone who looked just like her for so many years, which i had.  Only thing was, we were from different life times.  Way back in the day like 1800s back in the day.  She wore this pink and black polka dot dress with lace trimming and pink gloves to match.  Come to find out, pink is her favorite colour.  A few years later she calls me up and says, "You remember when we first met and you said you knew me?  I think you're my twin."  That night i learned what a Spiritual Twin is.  We just keep cycling together and meeting up later.   

I am far from rich and way too close to poor, but i am so happy (when im not sad for Michael) with how my life is going.  Single. No Kids.  It's just me and Simore, and a some great friends and even some acquantences.

All of my needs are met, i have a job, im not sick, i have a banging-assed car.  What more could i want?  Im not really wanting to be attached to anyone romantically, so having no man is great for me right now.  I am loving my independence.  I was emotionally dependent on my sister.  I felt like i needed her and her approval.  At the end of the day, i had to look at myself in the mirror.  And that's ok.  It only made me wiser. 

It doesn't really bother me anymore what happened betwinst us anymore.  I never really needed her, i guess just her forgiveness for our youth.  But, really, i needed to forgive me.  I carried that burden for so long, i guess that's why i allowed her to pretty much do as she pleased while i worked.  Sorta like an indentured slave, but i imposed that part of it with that guilt i felt.  It feels good not to feel guilty.  Furthermore, i think our relationship was partly built on guilt. 

You live and you learn.  That's life. 

I started feeling like maybe God and i were losing touch in some way or another.  Didn't matter that i prayed MOST nights, thanking Him and my forefathers, even making an effort to do good deeds.  Like i was trying to win some cookies or something, idk.  Anyways, i really wasn't.  I just had to sort out feelings, and God was just allowing me to do that.  I had to focus on some things, and try to figure out where was i going in life at this point.  I am starting completely over.  No family, i visit the other members, but we aren't all that close and near to each other. And i work 6 day weeks.

My best friend is back.  Words fail me.  I am so extremely tickled pink on one side, and extremely hurt on another.  Like im torn in between two halves of my soul.  They know. 

All in all, things are pretty much running smoothly.  I want to worry, but i have nothing to worry about.  Maybe, i feel like i SHOULD worry, but know there is no reason to. 

Sometimes, EP folk tell me i inspire them with my stories of being and coping with Bipolar "Disorder". 

I never know what to say or how to respond.  I do have some haters on EP, but then for some to tell me i helped them is a great contrast.  I do tend to step on toes, and no, i don't care that i do - sometimes. 

It just reaffirms in me, that we are all connected - no matter our physical differences.  Bipolar is apart of my day to day life, second by second, minute by minute.  I had only 2 choices, to let it hurt me or to make it work for me.  It's easier to hurt, but it's harder to work.  When you work, you gotta deal with hurt until you reach where you need to be.  I chose to make it work for me. 

I am going to write even more about being bipolar from a positive stand point.  When i do get these EP letters from folk, im also reminded about all those other folk who are bipolar and hate that part of their lives.  It's rare to come across a story of bipolar being looked at as positive.  You have to comb through so many sad stories, before you reach one that is pro-Bipolar. 

Today, i took this personality test. I wanted to see if i could get a better glimpse of me self.  See if there was anything about me that i hadnt realized.

Right at the start, it categorized me as being, Open.  My  desire to learn comes from my openess.  I pretty much knew that.  But - most folks don't see that in me.  Most people view me as 'Nosy'.  lol.  It's ok.  They call me nosy, yet i've never been curious about the inter-personal lives of others.  lol.  I just want to know how everything works and what everything means.  I just want to know my place in the world and how i interact with others.  --- I knew the test was legit at that point.  lol.  No one gets how open i am. In saying this, the test also advised me of how self aware i am. 

Next, the test tells me that i really have this aching desire to nurture others.  I don't want children, but when i tutor students i really take an interest in them.  A lot of them think of me as their 'Auntie' and one even adopted me as his 'Mom'.  I really care about the generations after me and the fate of the world.  Also, it reveals to me that i am straightforward and ethical.  --- Now, this confuses me and yet it doesn't.  Most people view me as being this mysterious person, yet they do know what they see in me - is who i am.  I confuse people, but not on purpose.  I'm guessing this goes with my openess.  People really don't see how open i am.  With my life and in turn, with the world. 

Now as far as my emotions go, the test rated that area as  a 'toss-up'.  The catch is, i am bi polar.  But, even when i am in mania, i eventually become productive after being reactionery.  I for the most part have been able to  really get somewhere with being bi polar.  I have and continue to work hard on controlling it.  Sometimes, i slip up.  Even then, i go back to being regular Simmone.  I also use being bi polar to my advantage.  It is a daily struggle.

Something i didn't know about myself, is that i am actually flexible, not just adaptable.  I always thought of myself as rigid.  This again i guess is going with the bi polar.  My brain has so much power.  A lot of people don't realize how intelligent i am.  I am very witty.  My job is a great example of this.  When i speak to customers, i have a tendency to become who that person needs in order to secure payment.  If they need a 'Kick' in their britches, i give them that kick.  If they need a friend, i become that friend. I do this all day long.  It's why i bring in so much more money than the other workers.  I become personable to the customer.  Each customer gets something different out of me.  A lot of them will only deal with me, more so than the other collectors.  My supervisor asked me why do i talk to the customers as though they are folk i know.  I asked her in turn, 'they pay me, cause they like me.'  She didnt get that.  I bring in thousands of dollars in bad debt on a daily basis.  Folk don't tend to pay her.  lol. 

The last thing this test told me about myself, is that i am Outgoing and that i am a great listener.  Not a good listener, but a great listener.  Although i do listen to what is being said, i always even more so listen for what is not being said.  I really make an effort to see the 'big picture'. Folk say that i 'think too far ahead' or that i 'jump the gun'.  I don't, i only see what is the inevitable.  I take all the facts, apply their place in the puzzle, and make a decision based on that.  At work, i see things so differently than everyone else.  While they strive to make the job harder than need be, i work to make it easier.
 

Me and Bird (my BFF and spiritual twin) were talking last night.  During the conversation, i asked her did she think i was AFFECTIONATE.  I didn't think that i was, but she pointed out that i am, with specifications. 

She pointed out how i dote on folk, but i have limitations.  I am only affectionate with people i am extremely close with.  This knocks out 99 percent of folk i interact with in my personal life.

During the course of our relationship, she's known me to be affectionate with only 1 of my boyfriends, all of the children i tutored and some of the adults i helped get GEDs or Highschool Equivilents, and her and my sister and grandmother.  I really wanted those kids to have a desire to read.  She pointed out that although i don't want children, i did nurture the hell out of those kids. 

I learned something new about myself.  And Bird and i hit a milestone in our relationship.  We haven't been physically near each other for the most part of our relationship, and yet we this connection.  Everything she said was stone cold true. 

Today while playing with Simore, i told him, "I Love You, Simore."  And when i said it i noticed how my voice cracked kinda like when Michael's voice did on his song 'Speechless'.  I know my love of Simore and other cute a furry rodents come from Michael.  Ben.  I don't like mice and rats or even Gerbils (their tales are like rats), but i like hamsters, guinea pigs, and other creatures that look like those types of small rodents. 

I was just reminded of how Michael influences so much of my life.  Small things like Simore.  I still think of my hamsters who have passed on.  Hairry, Lil Mama aka 'the Sweetness', and The Cuteness.  I really miss Hairry.  Lol. 

It's really amazing how God gives everything we need and within easy reach.  God is just so convenient at times.  lol. 

When my body is unbalanced, i know i can go grab a couple of herbs or other plants and heal the issue.  Simple and rejuvenating.  I like how i can just turn on my Juke and just listen to MJ or some other musicians at work.  And the Juke was free. Simple and entertaining.   I love when i achieve things at work or in my personal life.  Makes me feel like God was just right there with me and supporting me.  Such a Simple way to bond with God.  I love how, i can access any knowledge i choose with the click of a mouse or a visit to a library.  Ain't nothing like a good book sometimes. Simple and my brain gets to exercise.  Even though i pay $119 bucks  a month for 250 channels, but i only really look at one - the Western channel.  After a long day at work being "Everyone's Enemy" i can come home and look at a good "Good Cowboy" flick and just chill.  So simple, and yet costly.  -- I can just be burning some incense and candles (i don't use a lot of electric in my home), and yet everything feels so peaceful.  Simple and cheap.  lol.

For months now, i have absolutely hated the touch of another person in any fashion.  I don't want to be hugged at all, i even cringe when folk attempt to touch me.  Idk, seems like it hurts when i am touched physically by people.  It actually hurts to be brushed against.  lol. 

Today, it seemed as though everyone at work was in a deep funk.  Everyone was unhappy, depressed, and depressing.  Folk were just rude to each other. 

Maybe it was the weather.  Maybe it was something with the constellations, idk.  Something could have been out of orbit up there in the sky.  It sure took a lot to cheer folk up.  I was damn skippy off today as far as getting my work done.  I was even more ditzier than i usually am.  But, i seemed to be the only person there who wasn't all doomy and gloomy.

Well, at least i still have a positive aura.  lol. 

The VP commented on that today actually.  He asked me, "Why are you always so happy?"  I asked him what did he mean.  He tells me even when i'm pissed off, i'm laughing and happy...   At least i sent him off smiling and laughing.

Everywhere i look, prices are going up, sales tax is going up, gas is going up; Everything is going up.  And to make it worse, i live in a commonwealth - No Holds Barred for the state government to do anything against its citizens. 

Everywhere i look, i see so many folk not getting by and think, damn i could be that person.  These jobs out here treating folk anyway they can, and the government does nothing about it.  I see so many kids out here with only mommy taking care of them, and the government isn't enforcing child support from these dads.  So many folk are being knocked around these days between the economy, jobs, and family. 

I don't see the government really helping the Little Guy as much as it is rescuing the aristocrats.  The government nails the hammer in on folk like me, but the Fat Cats out there are the only ones who are really getting every benefit there is to get. 

for six hours, under my quilt, and dreaming no dreams.  i just slept.  i woke up so refreshed and all. oh well.

I guess i have come to terms with what my sister did to me.  Honestly, i know i will never speak or see either her or my mother ever again.  Once i cut someone out of my life OR if they cut me out of theirs' - i make that decision permanent.  There is no going back after that point. 

I spoke to my aunt who is also my mother's sister the other day.  I thought she knew what happened.  She had called and all.  She hadn't heard from me in months. lol.  She fussed at me for taking care of mom and her bills, but also for taking care of my sister.  First thing she said was, 'Monie, you been given my sister money?'  She told me that if my sister was grown and that i shouldn't feel all that responsible to her at this point.  My sister is going on 25.  My aunt also said that if she wanted to choose to go with mom, knowing the shit that ma did to her (my aunt, criminally) and even with me, my credit, and still at almost 28, still taking care of my mother.  I even paid for my mother's weed.  lol.  Cigs, beer, liquor.  I paid for just about everything.  Sad thing was, i didnt even tell my aunt a forth of what happened.  I only said i told mother not to ever come back to my house and the last incident my sister pulled with the skimming of my money.  I said nothing of the stealing of anything else.

Looking back on the entire situation, i know that i did more than my share financially.  I loved her very much.  I loved my sister.  I don't hate her.  I don't like her.  I definitely no longer love her.  I was more of a sister to her than she was to me.  I see that, now.  ---I just didn't want my sister to ever be homeless again.  I remember conversations in which i felt that i wouldn't have enough for everything, and somehow, had what i needed for us all.  I remember saying, "I ain't gonna let us be homeless again."  Saying those exact words i said during my working teen years.  As soon as i turned 16, i made sure none of us were homeless  ever again (until i set out on my own).  I remember failing a grade only to have to work very hard at school just to graduate on time, while working a full time job and doing hair on the side.  I remember becoming addicted to coffee then.  Coffee don't do anything for me anymore.  I just have grown addicted to the taste.  lol. 

I see how i paid for her to come live with me.  How i fed her and sheltered her for 2 and a half out of the 3 years she lived with me.  I remember how much mileage i put on my car for her.  How much money i've spent over the years.  Making sure she had her prescriptions every month, even when i couldn't afford to buy my own.  Giving her spending money in addition to everything else.  I remember helping her get back into school.  Helping her overcome agoraphobia.  Buying her glasses even when i havent bought any for myself. I remember going to work many days a week only for her to steal from me in the end.  I remember how she attempted to have me lose my apartment.  Paying for her therapy whenever she needed it.   I remember a lot of shit.  It was her idea for mother to move in the first time, with me ending up having to put my mother out.  lol.  She really manipulated the hell out of me with that one.  lol. 

I just never don't want to see her or my mother ever again.  Even to hear news of their impending passing - i would not want to be told. 

Funny thing was, my sister tried to contact me a few weeks ago.  lol.  Sending me texts and emails.  I have since gotten my on phone - so i don't use the phone that i had when i was paying her bill.  She tried to get me to speak to her.  I was shocked.  She, more than anyone else, knows that when i cut someone out or if they cut me out of their life, it's permanent.  She's seen me do it.  I have walked away from people never to speak to them again.  I have always been that way, i would just never do it to blood relatives.  Not until now. 

I  never acknowledged my mother  as my parent either.  I raised my sister and me.  I was the link between my mother and her mother for a long time.  Even when we needed money, i got it from grandma if i had to, before i started working legally.  I don't recognize my sister as my sister anymore.  As far as the world is concerned, my mother and sister are dead to me.  They are in retrospect alive, but the relationship is dead.  The blood we all share amounts to nothing to me.